I hate hoses!
My task last night should have been simple. Spray fungicide on my ailing roses. This takes literally ONE minute once the sprayer bottle is attached to the end of a functioning hose. In the process I experienced all seven of the issues below, plus a couple more. I was a raving maniac by the time I got the job done.
Why do I hate hoses? Let me count the ways.
1. They never attach fully to the faucet so the water spurts all over you as soon as you turn it on.
2. They always fall five feet short of your watering goal, even when you put your thumb on the hose end in hopes of making the stream go further.
3. If you link two hoses together you get another leaky spurt at the connection point. Only one third of the water you want (and are paying for) reaches its destination. The rest is making a couple of big mud puddles perfectly placed for the dog sho she can track mud into the house.
4. Just as you think you'll be able to reach that distant wilted plant the hose kinks and all flow ceases, except at the leaky points.
5. While you were paying attention to the distant wilted plant, the hose has knocked over a potted geranium and crushed several petunias in its path.
6. Your neighbor's hose always coils up so neatly, but yours is permanently and perversely curled like sheep entrails. There is no hope of getting it back on the hose hook.
7. And now look at you! Your clothes are a mess. Your pants are wet, your hands are filthy and so is every part of your body that came near the hose.
When my ship comes in, my sugar daddy arrives, I am discovered, etc etc I will have three people on my daily staff: a personal chef, a personal hairstylist, and a hose hauler.
Why do I hate hoses? Let me count the ways.
1. They never attach fully to the faucet so the water spurts all over you as soon as you turn it on.
2. They always fall five feet short of your watering goal, even when you put your thumb on the hose end in hopes of making the stream go further.
3. If you link two hoses together you get another leaky spurt at the connection point. Only one third of the water you want (and are paying for) reaches its destination. The rest is making a couple of big mud puddles perfectly placed for the dog sho she can track mud into the house.
4. Just as you think you'll be able to reach that distant wilted plant the hose kinks and all flow ceases, except at the leaky points.
5. While you were paying attention to the distant wilted plant, the hose has knocked over a potted geranium and crushed several petunias in its path.
6. Your neighbor's hose always coils up so neatly, but yours is permanently and perversely curled like sheep entrails. There is no hope of getting it back on the hose hook.
7. And now look at you! Your clothes are a mess. Your pants are wet, your hands are filthy and so is every part of your body that came near the hose.
When my ship comes in, my sugar daddy arrives, I am discovered, etc etc I will have three people on my daily staff: a personal chef, a personal hairstylist, and a hose hauler.
posted by JoieDe at 10:49 AM
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